"Tip #13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn't mean he's your servant and won't mind doing all your homework/research/chores."
No one likes to be taken advantage of. Period!!! BUT... I think most guys (and gals) don't mind doing all your homework/research/chores if they're getting something in return. If their actions are honestly being appreciated or rewarded in some fashion. It's about balance. The even trade.
You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours, may be a great way to do business, but in relationships I think people have a hard time keeping score. I like to believe that if the shoe was on the other foot that my partner would do the same for me. That way, I can sweep the floor, wash the laundry and buy groceries, because I know deep down that if I was working her schedule she would do the same. Yet to reinforce that belief, I would need to receive a sense of sincere gratefulness or an offer of some sort.
The best part is that there are so many things that can be offered. Now, I'm not talking about sexual favors, though I'm sure its a currency most guys won't shy away from, but think simple. Such as paying for the next date, offering to cook dinner or letting them pick tonight's TV show.
If people feel appreciated, they will do a lot of things without complaining. We are challenged to serve one another, but let's not take it for granted. So say, "Thank you," and mean it.
"Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life." -- Christiane Northrup
"Tip #12. Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. I see now that it would have won me a lot of points. A LOT."
It's true. I really do appreciate any woman who can cook and do it well.
So the saying, "The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach," actually holds substance. Just remember that it will get your foot in the door, but it won't keep you there. Confidence, support and good conversation are key in any relationship.
But we are talking about cooking... so ladies never tell a man you can't or don't like cooking unless you REALLY CAN'T cook. This is a red flag and makes you seem lazy. All you need to know is how to cook like 3 dinner type meals well enough so that they are edible. Plus, there is enough spices out there to season it differently every time. My suggestions would be chicken breast, flat bread pizza and beef casserole. These can be made in 30-45 minutes, easily.
Also, make him help you cook (or keep you company) and clean the dishes together. You can even drink wine if you want to turn things up. Plus, I've noticed that conversation flows easy by the time you're drying pots. You may even only cook for him once, but trust me... you won't only score points, but you'll place well on the "Wifey Scorecard."
"Is it because the cliché saying that, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” is true? Definitely. Is it because a woman who can cook reminds them of their mom? Sure. But at the core of all those truths lies something simpler — men love women who can cook because it means that their family will be taken care of." -- The Reason Men Love Women Who Cook
"Tip # 11. Even if your family thinks there's going to be a marriage, don't let them spoil your guy. Yes, he's grateful you gave him your car when he moved out of NYC, but he would rather have had to work for it."
I think the point of being supportive by not being too supportive is important. Letting him work/figure it out is a great teaching tool. Unfortunately, your family may not understand this and there really isn't much you can do about it.
Dealing with the relationships and the interactions between your family and your significant other is one of weirdest games you will ever play. It's such a flip floppy game. They hate her until she offers to help clean the kitchen. The love him until he spends the entire road trip asleep in the backseat.
You can't pick your family or control how they are going to react/treat the person you're with. Warning/threatening them may work for a while, but it only takes a second for something to happen that can change the dynamics of any relationship.
FOR EXAMPLE: I was meeting for the first time my ex-GF's mother, who was waiting for us at the front entrance of the building. I was casually walking behind her taking my time to practice pronouncing her last name. My GF was four steps ahead of me and turned the corner to the front before I did. As I reached the turn she came rushing back and shoved me back down the hall. Why? Because her mother brought her grandfather with her and with his views of colored people this would not be the right time to meet. Though surprised, I agreed with her and bowed out gracefully. I never met the man, but a careful explanation before the incident may have been a positive mark on our relationship.
So how do you avoid letting them spoil your guy? You don't. (Tough luck.) You just need to explain to your guy the dynamics of your family and how they usually treat your boyfriends. Whether its a bad or good thing, giving him a better understanding of the situation will help him navigate the storm, especially when you're not around.
He'll either sink or swim, cause you're not preventing forest fires. You're teaching him how to stop, drop and roll.
"Tip # 10. They might take a decade to mature. Don't hope they'll grow up or be ready in the next six months."
Unfortunately this is true, but not true in the sense that the guy sitting across from you should been seen as being 5 years younger than he really is. BUT that parts of him are a little undercooked and will need that extra five minutes. What do I mean by parts? Well...
His lifestyle... maybe he likes playing video games and eating cereal for every meal. At some point he will no longer have the time or be in the target market that these games are made for and will loose interest. Encourage (don't force) him to limit his playing time. If you want him to eat something besides cereal. Make him try new things by cooking for him. Invite him to help you chop things in the kitchens. Guys like knives, plus if you're half naked how can he not be in there?
His money... unless he's a trust fund baby or riding the coattails of his parents, his money will not even be young money. He'll be lucky to be making more than 45k a year before he's 30 and if he went to college, chances are his school loan debt is eating right through it. So don't expect him to buy you a car, a house or even an engagement ring worth 6 months of his salary. If he does. Either he fucked up big time (thanks Kobe) or he REALLY likes you more than he should. Just encourage him to hangout with an older gentleman who is doing what he wants to do. This is called a mentor and the mentor has connections to higher paying jobs.
His habits... does he wear the same clothes for three days in a row? Does he rock the jersey all weekend every weekend even during the off season? Does his elbows sit firmly on the dinner table? Well, tough. I often feel that these take longer to change, because people are comfortable in their own skin, but you can help him change little by little. Step one, don't berate him about it. This builds wall. Step two. Take him shopping and together pick out wardrobes you both like. Step three. Shower him with compliments when he does something right. Things like, "It makes you look tough," or "Wow, you look so sexy in that outfit," will eventually get to his head and he'll make the connection.
His friends... yeah, even the ones you don't like won't always be around. As life rolls on people's paths change and sometimes you loose touch with even with the foul mouth ones. Your best bet is to not to talk bad about his close friends. The people who were around before you. Now everyone else, you can warn him about or express your distaste a few times, but eventually you will have to let it go. All you can do is try new things together and be friendly in new group settings. Maybe he'll make new friends and if you like them, you can invite them out for him... hoping they'll hit it off. Guys like guys who are living similar paths in their life or into similar things. Plus guys rank each other and until rank has been established they can't be friends, so don't introduce him to someone who might make more money than him or is taller. Just a thought.
Well, my new look on life not only challenges you to truly love him, but to be dedicated to your beliefs about relationships. Which I hope includes being dedicated to him, which will require patience and helping him grow as a person.
If you can't stand the heat. Get out of the kitchen.
"I once heard that on average, men are five years less mature than their actual age. Hence, an eighteen-year old may still tell immature sexual jokes that we would tell on the playground; a twenty-three year old may still drink like he’s underage; a thirty-year old may be going through life choices that women would have dealt with five years earlier." -- Why Men Mature Slower Than Women
"Tip # 9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I'd had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies."
This is a F-A-C-T. Do me a favor. Think of every love sick puppy dog romance you have ever seen on TV or in a movie and ERASE it from your mind. This shit doesn't exist and if you think you know someone who is living it. Well, it just looks like that from the outside. Cause inside they are fighting to steer a boat through the ice cold waters of the Norwegian Pass. (Totally made that up.)
There are two things to learn from this.
Number one! Eight times out of ten he's not thinking about what you're thinking about.
Number two! A man's mind is like a room full of boxes and there's this rubber ball that represents what he's focusing on/thinking about it. Well, this ball can only be in one box at a time. Though he can quickly move it from box to box, so that it looks like he's multitasking... it's an illusion. He's not.
So once you have those two ideas down, go the extra mile to explain your feelings and your thoughts. You might even have to do this twice, but at some point the ball will be in your box and he will hear you. (Warning: This REALLY takes time depending on what size your box is.)
"Most men see things in a bigger picture rather than the small picture that women see. This can be very difficult, but if you learn how to communicate with each other, you'll be able to overcome your issues. It's hard to understand the other sex, but if you can take the time to ask some questions. You'll be able to understand each other with better communication skills." -- What You Need To Know About HOW Guys Think
"Tip # 8. In the early stages, giving him presents is too much. Generosity looks desperate to guys. You may be a great shopper and gift-wrapper; it may be his birthday and you may be wild about birthdays -- even still, he'll think you're just wild about him. Too wild."
Everyone loves presents. Even guys, but how much is too much? Just use common sense. Would you want a guy to shower you with expensive gifts when you first start dating? Seriously, think about it, because you would wonder what was wrong with him.
But... I bet you wouldn't mind a small thoughtful gift. Something cheap or handmade or related to a funny conversation you once had. I think most guys would find a gift like this humorous or cute. EXAMPLE: I started officially dating one my of ex's like two weeks before my birthday. I didn't really expect anything from her besides a card, but she went out of her way to cut up a small Van Gogh calendar and wrote little thoughtful messages on them. The best part is that she hid them in places she knew I would visit throughout the day, so for basically 24 hours I kept finding little notes wishing me happy birthday. It was super cute and I kept these notes for a long time.
It wasn't an expensive gift. It wasn't generosity. It was just happy thoughts. Despite what we say. We do have emotions and feelings, so the small things do have an effect.
"It need not be something very fancy and expensive - more importantly, it has to be genuine and sincere. You just have to be very honest and convey your emotions. In case you want your gift to be really special and memorable you can always think of homemade gifts, which he would appreciate and value regardless of what his interests are." -- Gifts for Your New Boyfriend
I have no idea how Ray J has been in the game for so long.
"Tip # 7. It's better not to lift a finger in the beginning."
The idea isn't to play hard to get. That's a great game before things get started. It's like flexing your muscles before a race or during warm up in order to psych out the other team. Not lifting a finger in the beginning is about not bending over backwards to make it work. Letting him come to you.
Let him plan the first few dates. Let me him buy mostly everything on those dates. Text him once first for every time he texts you twice first.
The idea is to not push things too quickly yourself. If he wants you. He will go out of his way to chase you. Spend time with you. If you do all the work and make it too easy, why should he ever need to take the initiative OR maybe he doesn't even see the sacrifices that you're making to spend time together. EXAMPLE. When I first started dating one of my ex's I would always try to hangout with her whenever I had free time. I worked a lot and was taking classes at night, so without me realizing it. She started scheduling her life around my schedule. To me, it seemed like our schedules matched up and we had time to spend together. To her, she was doing all this extra work to make things work. Eventually, she got tired of doing this and brought up the issue, which was a complete surprise. She did too much work in the beginning to make things work. I didn't have to chase her too much, which isn't good.
I know you want to see the guy and spend time with him, but you need to let him put in a little extra effort.
"Still, regardless of how shy or socially awkward he might be, stripping a man of this task subsequently strips a woman of one of natures inherent bitchassness filters. I mean, how the hell is he going to be able to protect you from lions and tigers and crackheads and sh*t if he wasn’t even able to muster a meek “hi” while in the meat line at giant eagle?" -- Sadie’s Suspect: Four reasons why women shouldn’t pursue men
"Tip # 6. It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf."
I agree with this totally, but I don't think guys talk about marriage to test you or play games. We too think of what it would be like to be shackled to you for life and sometimes these thoughts get expressed verbally.
Now if he keeps bringing it up all the time, I bet he's seriously considering it. Yet, before you pretend to be deaf and guard your heart, make sure you lay down some ground rules. Either tell him to shut up or give him some help. For example... I had a girlfriend, who would take the jewelry magazines that showed up at our apartment and she would circle all the jewelry she liked, even the engagement rings.
I know that girls think about it and plan it way before we even show up in their lives, so trust me when I say... we don't know what you want. So its better that you set boundaries... telling him to drop the matter or step up and put a ring on it.
"It is also important to listen carefully to what your guy is saying. Does he make jokes about how about 50% of marriages in America end in divorce? Perhaps he is afraid of marriage or just doesn't see the point of it. Communication is key in understanding your guy." -- A Guy's View: How to talk about the future.
"Tip # 5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They'll say anything to close the deal."
It's true. Men are programed to want to spread their seed and if they were not... mankind would have died out a long time ago. Yet this is not an excuse for guys to lie and be shady, but you should realize that the things he might be saying could easily have a double meaning. "You look pretty tonight," could mean, "I want to take your clothes off." Actually, everything he says could mean that.
So what do you do? Make him work for it. Hold out. Don't make it easy and set some ground rules. Either he will play your game and win OR the loser will move on to an easier target. Sounds rude, but you have to guard yourself and trust me the good ones will seriously work for it. The bad ones will say anything.
"Now, part of this is your fault. We do it because it works. All you have to do is play into a woman's 'happily ever after' fantasy. Women need to start exercising some discretion and thought before you sleep with a guy. You need to slow down and make the guy work a little bit." -- Will Men Say Anything to Have Sex With Women?
"Tip # 4. Don't help him ask you out by texting him something nice or polite. I'm glad you're more outgoing and thoughtful than he is, but he doesn't want the help."
This is a tough one, but I'm going to tell it like it is. My sister once said she was tired of teaching her boyfriends how to be boyfriends. As a guy, I will tell you that we could use all the help we can get, but you should be careful of preventing him from growing and learning on his own. Trust me, he'll be better for it.
You see, if you didn't nudge him to ask you out, would he have taken the initiative? Could this lead to him never taking the initiative in your relationship? Never plan your dates, surprises, etc? This could be a stretch, but seriously... don't get in the way of the learning process. I'm not saying don't text him back, but let him fail and succeed on his own. If he can't pass the test. He shouldn't be riding your ride. No freebies. It's not that he doesn't want the help. He just shouldn't need it.
"The man will really see no reason to call since you are doing it anyway. While he will be content with the fact that you are already making the calls, you will be burning with frustration as it seem every time you're the one to call him." -- Should Women Take The Initiative to Call The Men?
"Tip # 3. Even a guy who will admit that you're better looking than him should still be able to tell you you're beautiful. If he holds back in order to control the situation, or to keep you, or keep you down, he's got issues."
This is really a two part tip. PART 1. Learn to accept a fucking compliment, especially if the guy means it. Value it. Treasure it. Write it down. We do notice when you look nice, but sometimes we forget to express it. How you react to a compliment, also controls how and when the next time we compliment you. So don't jump all over him with your negativity, because he won't dish it out again.
"A compliment is intended to make you feel good. If you frown, look at the ground, or look away, the other person will be confused or uncomfortable. Smiling will make both of you feel good." -- wikihow.com
PART 2. He's got issues. Actually, all guys have issues, but if he's not complimenting you to make you feel needy, not wanted or ugly... he might as well punch you in the face. It's abusive and controlling and isn't right. It's emotional abuse and you should point it out. I believe in second chances, but he's really got to realize what he's doing even if its subconsciously. Though be careful not to confuse his lack of compliments as abuse. Find a way to test the situation. Yes, I just said to use mind games. (Oh God.)
"Tip # 2. Sometimes guys flirt with you or pay attention to you because it makes them feel good about themselves. (Hey, we do it, too.)"
I've been accused of doing this and to be honest, I think we all have. Everyone flirts, so if you keep in mind the social setting in which the communication is taking place it will help keep your mind/heart from running away from you. Just enjoy the moment, but realize that if you're looking for a real personal connection... it's not going to happen in the bar. Take it out of the Flirt Zone and try to plan a one-on-one date around a fun sober activity like putt putt golf and keep the conversation PG13. If there's still a spark or conversation comes with ease... it's a good sign.
"Whether flirting is just friendly or it hides other feelings, it’s important to recognize the true nature of it. If the romance is one-sided or inappropriate, it’s a good idea to shut down the flirtation before it becomes difficult to deal with. " -- AskMen.com
Okay, so since my friend/kind-of-ex-gf has hounded me about writing about relationships. I will write a ridiculous series called "31 Things."
Basically, I'll highlight all 31 tips from the article, "Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating When I was 21," one blog post at a time. Why? Because these past six months have been a personal and social relationship whirlwind and some how I became the guru to solve everyone's problems (not counting my own). Well I feel this article covers a lot of good points for girls and boys. Though her ideas are not original, you will be better off if you stick with it. So read it, learn it, live it.
"Tip #1. If you're confused about whether a guy likes you or not, that's probably not good. Confusion in romance belongs only in romantic comedies because it suspends the plot, but suspense in real life sucks. So try not to analyze the events. The truth will reveal itself without you having to do anything."
Honesty is the best policy. Especially, being honest with yourself. So don't hold onto that confusion. Do something about it! Either deal with the matter face to face or walk away leaving it behind completely. Be two feet in or two feet out. Either jump off the diving board into the pool or climb down. Don't hold yourself to some false Hollywood identity, cause if a guy really likes you, guess what... he will chase your ass down. If he's not that into you... he'll text you when he's bored and hasn't found anyone else to play with. True story.
"More than 98% of the time, if a guy likes you, then he is going to be around you... Whatever the case may be, the best sign to look for to see if he is interested in you, is if, no matter what foolishness he is doing, he is doing it around you." -- girlsaskguys.com
"Tip #13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn't mean he's your servant and won't mind doing all your homework/research/chores."
