"If the next generation of black filmmaking proves successful in uniting America through the power of cinema, then it will be a life worth living and movie ticket worth paying for."
It's my newest favorite quote. Just had to post it somewhere.
In the mornings I watch Cartoon Network's "My Gym Partners a Monkey" and seriously its one of my favorite shows right now. I'm such a kid. "Pokemon" on saturdays. No lie. They started playing the old episodes (like when Pokemon first came out). Good times. Surprisingly my girlfriend watches it with me. Cartoons are happy. I could use happy.
I don't eat. I don't sleep. Something is not right about this. I just have less then a year. I tell myself. Some how I must go on. It's not even an option anymore. I can't quit. Whatever is on the other side better for me and everyone in my life. I know it. I feel it. There is more then one way to climb a mountain but this is the best way. What excuses and lies do I make up for me to continue to dig this hole? Is it not about the end but the journey? Then my friend it has already been worth it.
Just celebrated my one year anniversary with my girlfriend. It doesn't feel like a year and of course its my longest relationship. Right now she's one of the few people that actually gets me. Sees what I do and what monsters I fight. She knows all my hopes and dreams and I tell her everything. It's cold out here and she's keeping me warm. Also I'm a lot more foolish when she's not around. I hope at the least I do the same for her.
Good music to download....
"Waiting In Vain" - Bob Marley
"Hospital Beds" - Cold War Kids
Any song by the classic rock band - Can
My sister is doing well. She's having the surgery. I don't know when yet. I'm going home for those days. It gets easier to process once I understand the situation. I'm kind of saving all the emotion for later and keep it positive for now. We don't call her Champ for nothing.
Ah yes the skies are getting darker and the trees are finally turning colors. It must finally be fall. Oh my. I love Halloween. The parties are great and its always good to see the GMU Pi Kapps. Besides everyone shows a little creativity. My favorite was the people I saw in the street dressed up as the cast of Harry Potter. I mean everyone! It was 20 people walking down the street dressed up like they just stepped out of the movie. So sweet. Also 2nd place goes to the Mario Kart group picture I found online. 3rd the female 300 Spartans. So hot though there was only two of them.
So my Mom calls me selfish. I'm not sure what she meant so I guess I'm selfish. She's one of those people in your life that everything she says is wisdom, even if you choose to listen to her or not. I went to AU because of her. I have a real job because of her. I might as well have her arrange my marriage. Anyway...the point is I feel trapped and confused and honestly its not that I don't care. It's that I feel like I grew up and no one else realizes it. It's almost like being a pre teen and trying to do things on your own only to have your parents send you to bed at 8pm. My house. My rules. (There is so much I can say at this point so I'm going to try and just spit it out. If I forget something or don't cover a point correctly. I'm sorry.) I grew up in a box. My family went to a church for 20 years. I was home schooled. We thought one way and lived one way. I was sheltered and lied to. Some of us still refer to the whole experience as being in a cult. I still believe the good times were real and the people I met are real too. Well like I said it was box. People trying to control the vertical and the horizontal and you lived in it. Well I'm not in it any more and haven't been it for a while. I understand why my parents did what they did and it was a success to a point. They sacrificed and did what they felt was right. I thank them. It made me...me. Gave me a different angle on life (which I can use in my films.) What I'm trying to get at is that people are people and what I assumed to be as a kid was mostly wrong. Its like watching a Disney movie ten years later and picking up on all the adult humor that you missed as a kid and how racist these films really are. My favorite line so far is when Jasmine's father states that her mother wasn't that picky. I laughed out loud. Man is man and you should always remember that. A lot of the issues we face are self made issues. The pits we're in were dug by us. Surprise! You reap what you sow! It's not that I don't care its that I'm not going to worry about it. You do you and I will do me. The love doesn't change. People don't change. I expect to get to the top no matter what and I will pull my family out of most of their holes. I will do for this family what most of my uncles have failed to do. I will lead, unite and care for. Everyone is trying their best, no doubt, but no one is on time. I'm sorry that I care about being on time. I'm sorry I care about being diligent. Of course I fail at it too but I will get to it before you do. I will clean up after myself, fix broken things and teach myself what I need to know. I have bills to pay and I work a lot. I don't get many free weekends. Am I doing too much. Yes. It is my fault. Buy I am not free enough to take care of two homes and pay for two household bills. It doesn't mean I don't care. It means I'm 24 years old trying to be the first kid in our family to really make it on their own.
Please father teach me to lead. Peace.
PS> A whole year and I still realize how much I don't know about her, her family, relationships and love. So for all my trapped married friends....wow. God be with you and remember even professional athletes have coaches.
